Homeschooling and total ME time.

Life has been busy.  I started homeschooling my kids in Novemeber and the journey has been an interesting one.  Luckily, I’m getting a lot of wisdom from homeschoolers in the community I’m in.  I don’t think I could do it without the help of others.  I don’t think it would have been possible without seeing the fruit of others’ labor and knowing that I’m not alone.  I’m hoping I can endure and that this will be a lasting decision.  If for some reason in the future if they end of back in school–  I think I will be so happy that I even tried.   From the last few months I have learned that the sacrifice is rewarding.  But it is a sacrifice and it is not easy.  Constantly, I am having to communicate my frustration to my husband and we end up having to change our schedules, pray a lot, and make sure to make time for me.

I am used to having a lot of time in my hands in the past.  Most of the time it was spent on music, art, or photography.  I’m ussually quite a hermit.  I like to keep to myself and create.  There are pros and cons to this– I know.

But I feel like God continues to stretch me.    And so here I am.  A vessel.

Fritz came off his seizure medication around the time I started homeschooling.  I was not so thrilled about him doing this at the same time of me starting something new, but it wasn’t too bad.  A few headaches, but he adjusted fine.  I’d say he is more like himself without the meds.  I’m glad it stopped the partial acute seizures, but it definitely had it’s side effects.

So I came into homeschooling making sure I set aside time for myself.  And so the time I do make for myself I spend selfishly on writing songs, practicing those songs, practicing guitar, or on my photography.

I’m never really happy with any of the videos I do.  Some I’d like to redo and some are fine.  The vids I make serve the purpose of documenting my songs so I can criticize myself, hopefully learn from them, and to share my progress.  This process helps motivate me and helps me to practice.

So I redid “God Only Knows”.

Please pass Mas Christ.

Christmas is almost here. Gifts are nice, but having each other is way better! There is a guilt almost– when a parent can not afford gifts for their children for Christmas day. Why is that? Is this the response that Jesus wants from us?

The last decade I’ve felt this conviction to just want that personal relationship with God to be greater in this time of year. Of course I want things. Who doesn’t? But greater is he who is content with what he has. Can contentment bring us joy? Yes! My goodness– has God shown me this the last few years! Every Christmas funds have been bleak. We’ve had to learn the true meaning of Christmas time to time. We’ve learned what a blessing it is to have a church donate Christmas presents to our kids the last couple of yeaers. And I’ve learned how precious life can be.

How easy is it that we take our family for granted. I almost lost my husband, but it wasn’t his time. I was scared and praying like I never had in my life. I learned how merciful God is. That’s so valuable. I learned how valuable a body of believers are in the same faith– taking their time to pray, because they actually had the faith and believed. I learned how valuable my husband was to me. Gosh, it’s such a blessing to have someone as your best friend, side by side in life– sharing, getting frustrated, learning, loving, praying, parenting, playing music, exercising, talking, etc. What a gift. What a gift. And my kids too– they are a gift!

Perhaps our attention should be more on what we have then what things we want. The people around us are gifts! The things we take for granted are gifts! Gifts, gifts, all around us. And the best gift of all? The one who made all gifts possible. It’s not “Giftmas, ” it’s “Christ-mas”. “Mas” could be translated as “mass”– celebration (of Eucharist). But I’m thinking– I want to translate “mas” from spanish to english: More. More Christ please.

Of course I would like a few new pairs of jeans. But I can be patient with my only one pair of jeans without holes if I had mas Christ in my life.

Open Mike as Suzies Bar and Grill Tuesday December 22

Played with Fritz
Originals: Who is She?, Those Who Have Ears, Only God Knows.
Snuck in a cover: Jolene

Notes: Went to support brother in law Don and niece Jessica in their performance. Got to sign up as well. Only open slot was after them. Was hoping this month to catch a few open mikes. Glad this fell on our lap! Don and Jess were so entertaining! My guitar was not loud enough. So I got to use the Taylor on stage. I was amazed! It felt so comfortable to pick. I’ve tried other peeps guitars (Martins, other more expensive than mine) and wasn’t comfortable. The Taylor I got to play was perfect. Felt good about this performance. Hope to hit up more open mikes with the break or later.

Quote From Son on October 14, 2010

“The world needs kindness not badness.”
–Stephen Madden. Says my 6 year old son out of nowhere.

Just needed to document this.

Crazy busy

Life has been busy. Why does it have to be?

There’s not much time to write and perfect a song. For me to wait and get a song perfect takes too much time. Just have to put out songs that aren’t so perfect and perfect the ones I like later.

Here’s a new song I wrote this week. It’s a bit dreary.

Seeking inspiration, but always directed toward wisdom and love.

Inspiration Last few weeks:

Laura Marling–her voice and songwriting are inspiring.
Bob Marley– bass lines and groove
Reggae– bass lines and groove
Ben Okafor– his songwriting, his voice, his message, melodies, etc. This guy is inspiring. I need to download his albums.
Kim Walker– Youtube. Inspring for worship and voice.
Evan Wickham– Webcasts of sermons and worship. Deep Deep sermons challenging our relationship with Jesus. Worship always so inspiring.
Reggae Redemption Songs 2– Car CD player. It’s what’s on.
John 17–Started reading 1 Corinthians again, which led me to the Lord’s prayer before he went to the cross– leading me to do an indepth study on John chapter 17. I’m even getting into the greek translation. It’s pretty awesome. I found a greek translation online tool that defines every greek word. I feel like I’m in Latin class again. I like it. Greek Geek study. Anyways, the prayer Jesus prays to the father before he goes the cross (Not “our father….” The other one) is totally intense, full of theology, unity, love, oneness, Jesus’ desires equating with the fathers, relationship, and so much more. It’s so deep. I need to just blog about it instead of talking about it.
Grace and Justin and Karis– Took Grace’s maternity photos a couple weeks ago. Last Friday she had a baby girl (Karis). I’m stoked to go and visit them.
Dancing– Went to homeland lastnight with the kids. Saw some old friends. My son and I made a cypher in the corner and we took turns dancing. Stephen is such a natural dancer. I, myself, am inspired by his imagination, improvisation, his spunk and boldness. I really want to help develop his love for dance. I’m hoping to get back into dancing, but just me– my whole family.

Ben Okafor’s video “Wise One’s”. I can watch this over and over. LoFi, but not cheesy. Instead, an instant classic.

Death then Labor Day

My Dad died last week. He’s actually my step-father, but in the last months of his life he requested I call him Dad. I was not so faithful to his request, for his name would slip often. I needed a bit more practice, but didn’t know that the time I had left over with him was so short and would come so sudden. You sometimes think you have time to prepare for these situations, but I don’t think anyone ever feels prepared. Perhaps, it’s easy for some to prepare themselves for the inevitable. Others, not so easy. What seemed to be indefinitely unavoidable was something I couldn’t face. The guilt that comes after someone’s absence is insane. Deaths outside the family is one thing, but deaths in the family always seems to come with the guilt that not enough time was spent with that person. And then you turn to others and they tell you that there’s nothing you could have done, etc…

He suffered through cirrhosis, diabetes, and kidney failure, but what took him was an infection possibly transmitted through his dialysis catheter. He went to the hospital and died a couple days later. I wasn’t able to visit him in the ICU, because my husband and I were sick and couldn’t risk infecting others or getting infected ourselves. What I thought was going to be another visit to the hospital like his several other visits this year, ended up being his last. I thought I had time to get better and visit, but I was wrong. Yes, one of those classical situations where you didn’t get to say a proper goodbye.

Im surprised how many memories have resurfaced flooding my memory after his death. Simple memories being with him, living in our old house, him driving me to school, etc. Like snapshots of dreams, but they were real. You start to remember the good things. Things I didn’t know that were locked in a memory vault have resurfaced becoming fresh in my mind as if it were yesterday. Small things too. His face. A glance.

In the end he wanted so badly to know that he was loved.
He was a hard man to love.
But God loved him more than anyone can imagine.

“And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:

‘My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD,
Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;
For whom the LORD loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.’

If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:5-11

“‘Naked I came from my mothers womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord.’” Job 1:21

Deaths are strange. Suddenly someone isn’t there anymore. Yet you are still living, still present in the dimension of time. Memories live on. And the burden’s of personal things becomes someone else’s worries.

My family Christmas 2001. My dad is right behind me.

This weekend my family headed up to Atascadero to stay with my inlaws for labor day weekend. The change in mood was comforting. At night the sky was vast with an ocean of stars. It made me feel small. And God seemed so big.

Aparatus, Tron, Seizures, and Discipline.

I’ve been meaning to come here and update my blog. Every time I think of doing it– I get sidetracked or I’m not sure what to say. But just coming on here I’m realizing there’s way to much to talk about.

Well thanks to my stepfather and for my brother in law– We now have a gigantic aparatus in the back yard. Yup! It’s so high quality that our house next to it is pale in comparison. After 2 years of procrastinating, we also finally dug out a flower bed in the backyard. I’m waiting for fall to do fall planting. But for now– I’ve got 3 types of sunflowers out there and a salvaged rosemary brach bush (not sure it’s gonna make it). Needs more compost (we have clay soil) though. Yes, the backyard is going through transformation.

Last week we watched Tron with the kids. Hello! This is an awesome movie. Not only do you see how it pioneers the hacker movie theme, but it is also deep in symbolism. As a girl, I wasn’t interested in the movie as a child. It’s definitely a boy film. But now– I understand it! And my kids loved it. Appropriate for kids– yes (if you can tolerate the D-word said a few times), great for adults– yes! And now I am stoked for the sequel to come out. In the movie the master program kept referring to the good programs as “religious fanatics.” I love that! Lots of underlying messages.

On August 5th Fritz and I celebrated our 10th anniversary and the day after was the one year anniversary of Fritz’s seizure. No problems this year and Fritz is doing so much better. He is being weened off his pills and his tumor/brain mass is practically not there. We still need to get another MRI soon.

I have added new content to this site. I’ve added 2 new pages. My music and then covers. This blog’s purpose is to document my life and my music. Musically it’s good to have documented music so I can refer to what I need to work on as an artist. In other words– hopefully there is a progressive pattern the more videos I make. This is my discipline and me sharing what I do.

Summer madness and new video.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. This summer has been incredibly busy. More busy then I want, but that’s OK. Lots of moving happening. Getting my step father’s house ready to be rented. Hoping to get my house organized this summer with the goal of throwing stuff we don’t need away. Birthday’s coming up all on one day in 2 weeks and then my son’s birthday the following week.

Fritz is doing a lot better and the doctor gave him the go to start weaning off the seizure medication tegretol.

I said I would put up videos soon. So here is one song I wrote that I managed to finally put up.

Faux Leather and Denial

I must be totally in another world when I wrote my last blog. I thought I was turning 29, but in reality I forgot I was already 29 and I should be going on to 30. I edited the blog, but man… I must be getting old. Either that or I am in denial that I can’t get any older than 29. Now that I’m turning 30– it changes my total perspective on life. It’s really hard to imagine that I am now never going to be in my twenties and that I ready lived it out. Yikes! Thirties are not so bad. Being in your thirties just means you are pretty wise, hip, cool, your experienced…and you are totally confused. Yeah– here’s a toast to entering my thirties!

But really, I am fortunate to still be alive, that my husband is still alive, and my 2 boys are… well still alive. Seriously, life is precious. It’s a blessing we take for granted. And my Lord is a wonderful God who loves me and continues to show his loving kindness and mercies upon me, my family, and friends.

Here is my youngest in his tight faux leather jacket.