sickness and music
Feeling a little drained today. Been getting over another virus. I’ve practically gotten sick every month for the last 4 months. This month– twice. It’s like after I’m feeling good I get hit with something else. It’s a little discouraging. Haven’t been able to to hit the gym consistently and noticed how weak I was a couple days ago as I was holding someone’s baby. I’m hoping this will be over soon so I can get my strength back.
I’m almost done with the new website. But it seems like the closer I get, the more I realize what more needs to be done. This is probably just a little of how Fritz feels each time he feels like he’s getting close to finishing a project. Anyways, I’m hoping to be done soon and make it live. Hopefully, it will generate some work for the future.
My love with playing guitar, singing and songwriting has unfortunately made my bass really lonely. Fritz and I have come up with a project to get me to practice once in a while so we can get together and get our reggae groove on. My job is to watch some of Mr. Alionbass and practice some bass lines to jam to. Lets see if I can stick with this simple task of practicing. I need a little nudge when it comes to playing bass. I guess cos the only reason I picked up bass and stuck to it was cos someone needed me to play it and cos people said I can play reggae. It’s an instrument that needs to be played with other people. With the guitar– I don’t need anyone and it’s a lot easier to sing with.
The other day an old song I wrote on piano in 2006 popped in my head. I found the chords written in a book. It’s a church song– not sure if you’d call it worship. So I first played it on the keyboard and tried to remember how i played it. Couldn’t totally remember how I arranged it, but knew it was pretty basic. Memories flooded into my mind and the nostalgia of it just filled my being. It’s so strange how songs can do that. Just a song can undo a memory and just unleash a time period of emotions, visions, sounds, people, happiness, etc. I then tried the song on guitar– and came up with a different feel and arrangement. I like it better actually. And I hope I can arrange the song with piano and guitar… and violin would be nice too. It’s cool how a song can undergo so many transformations until you are ready to say– that’s it. I’m just learning how certain songs need time to mature. And so I continue to be a padawan learner… in everything I do.
Rain
It’s pouring now and it’s suppose to rain all week. How interesting. Just a few weeks ago we had planned to go to the mountains so our kids can experience the snow. But ended not going, cos there wasn’t much on snow on the mountains. We really wanted to go when all would be covered in white. That’s the best time to go. Of course if we were ever going to see more snow, then it would have to rain in Los Angeles a lot. Well, it’s raining now and our prayers have been answered. The next step getting to the snow? Getting the van a checkup so it wouldn’t break down on the way to the snow.
I went to a woman’s retreat for my church this weekend at Murrieta Calvary Bible College. And that was a very big deal. I’m not the type of woman to go hang out with a bunch of woman. But I felt like it was a great opportunity to face my fears and be ministered to and meet some new people. All my expectations were met and yes, a lot of fears were faced. Most of the girls in my room were musicians/worshipers. It was awesome getting to know each of them. Although, things didn’t the go the way I expected it to– I was really happy with God leading and the unexpected. I even got to meet a girl at the bible college the last day– she was awesome. We both had guitar in common. She got me interested in the bible college. In my dream I picture my family financially stable so Fritz could attend calvary bible college or horizon school of evangelism and also for us to be able to attend calvary’s school of worship. That’s a pretty tall order. But basically we desire for us to focus less on making a living and more on ministry. Of course, God knows what’s best for us and family always comes first.
here i am trying hard to be a woman.
Haiti
Haiti is on my mind. We just had some missionaries come back from Haiti within the month. After hearing their stories and pictures from these people that have traveled there– I’m just in awe of what has happened. I just watched a documentary how the people make these cookie cakes out of dirt to eat, because they are beyond poverty they will eat anything. The dirt cake is a common staple there. And now they have undergone such a catastrophe. Luckily the missionaries from our church and the orphanage are all safe. How amazing is that? Pondering how privileged we are here in the States. God is a Merciful God and slow to anger. We have been blessed here and we don’t even know it. Haiti is one of the poorest countries. The United States prospers– as it seems. Yet, the United States is the highest in debt out of all countries.
“Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God.” Luke 4:4
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.” Mathew 6:16-17
There– color and light.
Been working on a new website lately and working on my portfolio. I have gotten back into photography. It just happened. I have decided that I love to take pictures of babies and children and process in full fujicolor like color. I’m hoping to get the site done by the new year, but I’m not really good with goals. Usually, when I make a deadline I learn that I can’t trust in my own plans and something comes up or gets in the way.
I had the remnants of a flu with a terrible cough for like a month. It was pretty bad. I couldn’t sing for weeks. What a blessing it is to have your health. Laying in bed for a week can strip you of energy and strength. It’s pretty humbling.
Well, the Lord has proven to be my deliverer in my health and my family’s. It’s amazing that God loves us so much. The Lord has clearly delivered us from financial stress, sickness (the flu, a month long cough, brain tumor), and spiritual need. He never ceases to amaze me. I have nothing to boast in, because through our weakness He has been glorified. He continues to show me colors of Himself that I’ve never seen before.
A Work in Progress.
The doctor called today with the results of Fritz’s latest MRI. I knew something had to be up, cos it took her an entire week to compile the results and call me. Well the brain mass has gotten smaller! They are now not calling it a tumor, but an infection. They are stumped at this mystery, because the first results showed the behavior and characteristics of a tumor, and now with the decrease in size they are saying that perhaps they were wrong and maybe it’s an infection. And even though two spinal taps came out negative for infection– they are leaning towards infection as an answer. I think– I don’t care what it is– God is healing it. It could be a tumor and God is causing it to shrink. Or it can be an infection that God is causing to shrink as well. Whatever it is– I know that God is answering prayers.
Ever since this has happened I have drawn closer to God. It says in James 4:8 “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you”. The only place I knew where to go in desperation was to my savior Jesus. He comforted me when my heart was aching. I knew that asking for prayer was what I needed to do. I was desperate and I knew that God wanted to show me the power of prayer. I believed that the body of Christ–believers as a whole, nation and world wide– has power to ask for healing and has been given authority by the father for such things if it is His will. God has shown me his marvelous power through the beauty of believers. I’ve had friends pray, who had their friends pray. The Church prayed and even people we didn’t know in church prayed. Family prayed, who also had other family and friends pray. I posted on Facebook and had the bands Fritz used to play drums in send prayer requests to their fans. We actually had people praying all around the world! My husband was so touched to get a card in the mail from a complete stranger that was praying for him. Yes, strangers prayed. This is the power of God. People who actually love one another and take the time to pray for someone in need. I am in awe.
Yes, God has been gracious and merciful to me, my husband, and family. I do not deserve any of this, but because he loves me so much he has listened to my petition and has fulfilled the request of many who believe in Him.
Transformation
Last Friday we sold my husband’s Toyota Matrix. Luckily his brother works at Toyota and they were willing to pay off our loan, unlike Carmax who offered us us $500 short of the payoff. My husband can’t drive for like 6 months, so what’s the use of keeping his car when it was just preventing us from getting medi-cal and we would have to pay car payements and insurance on it while it sat in the drive way.
Tomorrow my husband will take another test. Hopefully, this one will determine whether he has a tumor or not. They will inject him with something and take pictures of his brain and then some more hours later. This will show the mass’s metabolism– what it eats and how much energy it needs. I think this test determines if it is a tumor what kind it is and how fast it’s growing.
I’m trying to trust in God in all of this. I know God is going to work it all out. Whatever happens he will always be with us to guide us and strengthen us.
I remember the day my husband woke up with the seizures. It was the last day of our anniversary and we were at a motel room in San Luis Obispo. I woke up before Fritz. I decided to get some things done. I read some scriptures in the bible, got dressed, and played the guitar and sang. I had this revelation in my mind about our sole purpose on earth– how we were put here with a will to decide and ultimately choose to submit to God. I was excited about this idea and I really wanted to share it with Fritz, but when I woke him up my life had made an unexpected turn. Never would I have expected for my husband to be having seizures and doctors finding a tumor like mass in his brain. Never would I have thought that something like this could happen so sudden. And yes, this last month I have learned that God is ultimately in control of my life and all the plans we have doesn’t mean a thing when things can change in a heart beat.
This past summer I’ve been wanting to experience God’s authenticity. It’s interesting how God answers the desires of our heart by changing our lives that forces us to surrender all we have. If anyone want’s to experience Jesus Christ– one must fully submit and surrender all control to God. This is life’s hardest lesson. Not many people want to do this. But if one loves God– they will eventually learn this and will be transformed.
I know God is working on me and my family and it’s all for His glory.
Next time in heaven.
So our close friend and pastor passed away last night. We had planned to visit him too that night. Last week we visited him at the hospital/hospice and he had a peace about him that was unlike other days I had visited him. He was so happy to see Fritz out of the hospital. He encouraged us in the faith and told us he would see us later. Fritz and I felt like he was talking about seeing us again in heaven. And it’s going to be true. He has been an inspiration in the faith. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk evil about anyone behind their back. My husband and I always admired him for that. He was a man of God and believed in the His word. You don’t come across that many people these days with an honest genuine faith like he had. He died continuing and believing in the promise God had given him.
“The righteous perishes,
And no man takes it to heart;
Merciful men are taken away,
While no one considers
That the righteous is taken away from evil.
He shall enter into peace;
They shall rest in their beds,
Each one walking in his uprightness.” Isaiah 57:1-2
trials and tribulations
So the neurologists working with us presented Fritz’s case during a conference with all the doctors (neuro, radio, etc…) at the hospital. They still don’t exactly know what it is. They do know that it’s most likely a tumor and they have ruled out stroke and infection. It is rare for a growth to be in the center of the brain on the thalamus. Because of the location, they can not perform surgery or do a biopsy. Therefore without a biopsy they can not take a sample and conclude what it is and have to rely on other tests. Fortunately the growth is still small. Some doctors say wait 3 months and scan to see if it gets bigger so they can get a better picture. Others say why wait when they can do more testing now. Our doctor sides with the latter. Tests they want to do includes more scans, another EEG where he is sleep deprived the night before and asked to come in and sleep for 2 hours while they monitor him, a test for lymphoma (even though that’s low on the list), and another test that scans his chest and pelvis to make sure there aren’t any other tumors that have traveled from his body to the brain. Fritz and I are grateful that the doctors we have been given are not quick to judge and continue to research what he has.
I’ve never had to trust in God as much as now. I feel like I’m going through a rollercoaster. There are times where I feel confident that whatever happens I know that God is in control and other times where I feel like the room is spinning out of control. I’m grateful that I have friends and family that keep me in check and encourage me to continue trusting in God. I know the reason why I am not depressed is because of the hope God has given me. It does grow thin at times. Everyday seems to be new. Some days everything is fine. Other days, I could see he is different a bit slower than usual.
Today he had his first major side effects of the anti-seizure drug (depakote). More nausea, but this time he threw up and was shaking. Thankfully, I’m able to call the doctor whenever for whatever. We agreed to cut his pill in half for one dosage out of the three during the day. Hopefully that helps. I honestly, was not happy to see all the side effects people complained about the drug online.
Photography is going a new direction for me. I won’t have the time like I used to do what I was doing. I am now just documenting… it’s just the way I feel about the turn of events in my life.
I’m really sad at the fact that the bw roll of film I had in my pentax camera is 2nd victim to some camera malfunction. I knew something was wrong when the roll kept on advancing past 24 and how when I rewound the film I felt like tension for half a second and the roll was done. This is the second time this has happened. I thought I loaded it correctly this time. Not sure if there is a problem with advancing. I’ll try to develop it, but I have a feeling it’s gonna be blank. This is disheartening cos I used the film on our anniversary and I thought I was taking pictures of fritz and us wine tasting and more. I guess it’s good that I atleast had the digital, but even that was buggy with the battery.
