A Work in Progress.

The doctor called today with the results of Fritz’s latest MRI. I knew something had to be up, cos it took her an entire week to compile the results and call me. Well the brain mass has gotten smaller! They are now not calling it a tumor, but an infection. They are stumped at this mystery, because the first results showed the behavior and characteristics of a tumor, and now with the decrease in size they are saying that perhaps they were wrong and maybe it’s an infection. And even though two spinal taps came out negative for infection– they are leaning towards infection as an answer. I think– I don’t care what it is– God is healing it. It could be a tumor and God is causing it to shrink. Or it can be an infection that God is causing to shrink as well. Whatever it is– I know that God is answering prayers.

Ever since this has happened I have drawn closer to God. It says in James 4:8 “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you”. The only place I knew where to go in desperation was to my savior Jesus. He comforted me when my heart was aching. I knew that asking for prayer was what I needed to do. I was desperate and I knew that God wanted to show me the power of prayer. I believed that the body of Christ–believers as a whole, nation and world wide– has power to ask for healing and has been given authority by the father for such things if it is His will. God has shown me his marvelous power through the beauty of believers. I’ve had friends pray, who had their friends pray. The Church prayed and even people we didn’t know in church prayed. Family prayed, who also had other family and friends pray. I posted on Facebook and had the bands Fritz used to play drums in send prayer requests to their fans. We actually had people praying all around the world! My husband was so touched to get a card in the mail from a complete stranger that was praying for him. Yes, strangers prayed. This is the power of God. People who actually love one another and take the time to pray for someone in need. I am in awe.

Yes, God has been gracious and merciful to me, my husband, and family. I do not deserve any of this, but because he loves me so much he has listened to my petition and has fulfilled the request of many who believe in Him.

Quiet time

Transformation

Last Friday we sold my husband’s Toyota Matrix. Luckily his brother works at Toyota and they were willing to pay off our loan, unlike Carmax who offered us us $500 short of the payoff. My husband can’t drive for like 6 months, so what’s the use of keeping his car when it was just preventing us from getting medi-cal and we would have to pay car payements and insurance on it while it sat in the drive way.

Tomorrow my husband will take another test. Hopefully, this one will determine whether he has a tumor or not. They will inject him with something and take pictures of his brain and then some more hours later. This will show the mass’s metabolism– what it eats and how much energy it needs. I think this test determines if it is a tumor what kind it is and how fast it’s growing.

I’m trying to trust in God in all of this. I know God is going to work it all out. Whatever happens he will always be with us to guide us and strengthen us.

I remember the day my husband woke up with the seizures. It was the last day of our anniversary and we were at a motel room in San Luis Obispo. I woke up before Fritz. I decided to get some things done. I read some scriptures in the bible, got dressed, and played the guitar and sang. I had this revelation in my mind about our sole purpose on earth– how we were put here with a will to decide and ultimately choose to submit to God. I was excited about this idea and I really wanted to share it with Fritz, but when I woke him up my life had made an unexpected turn. Never would I have expected for my husband to be having seizures and doctors finding a tumor like mass in his brain. Never would I have thought that something like this could happen so sudden. And yes, this last month I have learned that God is ultimately in control of my life and all the plans we have doesn’t mean a thing when things can change in a heart beat.

This past summer I’ve been wanting to experience God’s authenticity. It’s interesting how God answers the desires of our heart by changing our lives that forces us to surrender all we have. If anyone want’s to experience Jesus Christ– one must fully submit and surrender all control to God. This is life’s hardest lesson. Not many people want to do this. But if one loves God– they will eventually learn this and will be transformed.

I know God is working on me and my family and it’s all for His glory.

Next time in heaven.

So our close friend and pastor passed away last night. We had planned to visit him too that night. Last week we visited him at the hospital/hospice and he had a peace about him that was unlike other days I had visited him. He was so happy to see Fritz out of the hospital. He encouraged us in the faith and told us he would see us later. Fritz and I felt like he was talking about seeing us again in heaven. And it’s going to be true. He has been an inspiration in the faith. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk evil about anyone behind their back. My husband and I always admired him for that. He was a man of God and believed in the His word. You don’t come across that many people these days with an honest genuine faith like he had. He died continuing and believing in the promise God had given him.

“The righteous perishes,
And no man takes it to heart;
Merciful men are taken away,
While no one considers
That the righteous is taken away from evil.
He shall enter into peace;
They shall rest in their beds,
Each one walking in his uprightness.” Isaiah 57:1-2

trials and tribulations

So the neurologists working with us presented Fritz’s case during a conference with all the doctors (neuro, radio, etc…) at the hospital. They still don’t exactly know what it is. They do know that it’s most likely a tumor and they have ruled out stroke and infection. It is rare for a growth to be in the center of the brain on the thalamus. Because of the location, they can not perform surgery or do a biopsy. Therefore without a biopsy they can not take a sample and conclude what it is and have to rely on other tests. Fortunately the growth is still small. Some doctors say wait 3 months and scan to see if it gets bigger so they can get a better picture. Others say why wait when they can do more testing now. Our doctor sides with the latter. Tests they want to do includes more scans, another EEG where he is sleep deprived the night before and asked to come in and sleep for 2 hours while they monitor him, a test for lymphoma (even though that’s low on the list), and another test that scans his chest and pelvis to make sure there aren’t any other tumors that have traveled from his body to the brain. Fritz and I are grateful that the doctors we have been given are not quick to judge and continue to research what he has.

I’ve never had to trust in God as much as now. I feel like I’m going through a rollercoaster. There are times where I feel confident that whatever happens I know that God is in control and other times where I feel like the room is spinning out of control. I’m grateful that I have friends and family that keep me in check and encourage me to continue trusting in God. I know the reason why I am not depressed is because of the hope God has given me. It does grow thin at times. Everyday seems to be new. Some days everything is fine. Other days, I could see he is different a bit slower than usual.

Today he had his first major side effects of the anti-seizure drug (depakote). More nausea, but this time he threw up and was shaking. Thankfully, I’m able to call the doctor whenever for whatever. We agreed to cut his pill in half for one dosage out of the three during the day. Hopefully that helps. I honestly, was not happy to see all the side effects people complained about the drug online.

Photography is going a new direction for me. I won’t have the time like I used to do what I was doing. I am now just documenting… it’s just the way I feel about the turn of events in my life.

I’m really sad at the fact that the bw roll of film I had in my pentax camera is 2nd victim to some camera malfunction. I knew something was wrong when the roll kept on advancing past 24 and how when I rewound the film I felt like tension for half a second and the roll was done. This is the second time this has happened. I thought I loaded it correctly this time. Not sure if there is a problem with advancing. I’ll try to develop it, but I have a feeling it’s gonna be blank. This is disheartening cos I used the film on our anniversary and I thought I was taking pictures of fritz and us wine tasting and more. I guess it’s good that I atleast had the digital, but even that was buggy with the battery.

My sweetheart rides a ship on the sea.

My husband is home now and on anti-seizure meds. I am so grateful that he is with me and functioning normally. God is merciful. It could be so much worse. The mass they found in his brain is on his thalamus, which also controls motor function. I am happy to see that this hasn’t been a problem. Since they realized that the mass looks less like a stroke and more like a tumor, they are going to do more testing. Yes, I’m afraid for the unknown, but I have faith that God will give us the strength to go through this. I’m learning to trust in God like never before. He has given Fritz a speedy recovery and I know that what ever happens God will be there for us always. Love is– for better and for worse. I have been given new perspective in this in my relationship with my husband. Also in my relationship with God– for better or for worse, must I learn to trust and love Him.

Stroke, seizures, tumor, and prayers.

My husband is in the hospital….

Our 9th anniversary:
The first 3 days with my husband, alone without kids, was pure bliss. But the last day was heart wrenching. I woke up my husband and he was not responding well as his usual self. He had trouble articulating his speech and forming sentences. He was confused. I was scared at this transformation. I thought maybe I could fix this– maybe he needs to eat. So I got him ready to walk outside to the restaurant next door. He was having trouble talking and he was just randomly picking things on the menu. I ordered for us. I tried to talk to him, but it was like I was talking to a child, or someone else with mass confusion. He ended up vomiting. We tried to sit and eat, but when he said, “I love you and I love your eggs,” I got our breakfast togo.

The slow drive home:
2 days later I took him to the ER at the hospital by our house. We had driven home the previous day just as usual, except my husband suffered memory loss and couldn’t distinct his dreams from the previous days with reality. He looked fine when I’d look at him, but every time I quizzed him of people, places and things– it tore me up. I was confused as much as he was. My decision to take him was based on the fact that he had been progressing, but had a relapse after a nap. I had to take him in for testing.

All of his tests were clear– physical exam and blood, but the catscan proved something had happened to his brain that explained what he was going through. There was a part of the brain that had been deprived of oxygen and they immediately admitted him to the hospital for testing to see if it was caused by stroke, seizure, or if there was an infection.

And after many days, in the county hospital and many days waiting for tests, they have concluded that they need more tests! Now they are thinking it could either be a stroke or tumor in his brain and that he had possibly suffered from seizures, which made me bring him in.

Please pray for my husband if you are reading this! Thank-you.

vacationess

Leaving the kids with the folks and the it’s 3 days without the kids. I’m am looking forward to this, but I am going to miss them.

photography and me

I’m a bit burned out.

My last session is up on my photoblog. I learned a lot of pros and cons and many things about myself.

I spent all day in front of this computer processing. It’s amazing how much time is spent on a computer for digital photography. I can also imagine how much time is spent in a dark room developing photographs. And yes, I’m burnt out and in desperate need of a vacation.

These past few days I’ve been to the beach twice and the water has been so warm. Reminds me of el nino like a decade ago. I remember going to the beach with my then fiance and an old friend in 2000. The water was so warm and soft and I remember being in the water and the sky was orange as the sun was setting. It was so dreamy. My husband and I can still clearly remember that day and how good the water felt. Well, lately, the water has been feeling just as nice and warm. I really enjoy feeling the waves crashing on me. There’s nothing like it. I hope to go to the beach more often. What a privilege it is to live just 10 minutes away.

closets and photos

Processing photos like a mad woman these last few days. Today my 2 boys and I cleaned out their crazy closet. I think it has actually been a year since the last time.